Are You Sure You Have Boundaries?

I’ve met many people who are sure that they have boundaries. In reality the things they think they are calling boundaries are mere expectations. There is a difference, and expectations are not boundaries.

There is a very large difference between saying “you shouldn’t treat me like that” and saying, “if you continue to treat me like that, I will remove myself from the situation”. One is an attempt at controlling another’s behavior, which will always be a losing battle. The other is taking responsibility for your own behavior. The difference matters more than you realize.

A boundary is not a rule you place on someone else, it is a limit for yourself. It is the threshold for what you will tolerate out of respect to your own comfort level.

Psychologists often describe boundaries as invisible lines that define where one person ends and another begins. Boundaries are meant to protect us in all areas of life. This includes financially, emotionally, physically as well as in relationships of any kind. Boundaries are healthy.

Healthy boundaries will communicate 3 main things; what you are comfortable with, what you are not comfortable with, and the action(s) you will take if those limits are repeatedly tested and/or violated.

It’s important when setting boundaries to separate a “request” from an actual boundary. For example, telling someone they are not allowed to yell at you is actually a request. However, letting someone know if the conversation becomes abusive that you will no longer participate in it is a boundary. Think “IF this, THEN that”.

 If boundaries were easy to set, we would have many therapists with far less work. Boundaries are difficult for a lot of people. Not only to set, but sometimes for others to process. Many of us were taught that we weren’t allowed to have needs, or that saying no would get us in trouble. While others learned that keeping everyone happy was the easiest road to “peace”, the truth is…  we are 100% allowed to have needs.

Being raised up to cater to others needs has created adults that are great at anticipating others needs while being completely detached from their own, and then one day they try to set a boundary and feel awful and guilty.

Then there is the part that is not talked about nearly enough.. And that is how boundaries often make already unhealthy relationships worse before anything gets better. The second you begin to introduce boundaries to an already dysfunctional dynamic you get pushback from the people who were happy to take advantage of your lack of boundaries. To them it feels like you’ve stopped playing a role they’ve assigned you, or that you’ve accidentally assigned yourself. It’s the sudden changeup from the baseline they were used to that might cause undesirable reactions.

We are not responsible for other people or their reactions. We are primarily responsible for ourselves and ourselves alone. The people who often benefited from your lack of boundaries will always be the first to have a problem with you “changing”, but the whole point of setting and standing on boundaries is the change. 

Boundaries are not punishments. They are not ultimatums or a threat to withdraw affection. Any therapist with a psychology degree will tell you the same thing. It takes some bravery to get started, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

The people who truly care about you may not always like your boundaries, but they will learn to respect them. The people who only benefited from your lack of boundaries will often reveal themselves the moment you start enforcing them. 

Seriously, just think about it.

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